Over the July long weekend (that’s when Canada Day happens, all you non-Canucks) I became a sailor on the good ship Hotel Munchkin, a floating manse that traversed the waters of scenic Shuswap Lake. Protocol on the Hotel Munchkin involved the celebration of the nuptials of Kimberli, sunning, eating, drinking and avoiding the notorious Juice Monks that prowl the lake. In this post (part one of a houseboating extravaganza) I humbly offer some tips on how to make the most out of your own houseboating excursion, should you wish to take one (and you should!).
1. Choose a sea-worthy vessel. Out of all the houseboats available, Hotel Munchkin was perfect for our needs. We had an elevator! No other boat on the lake had such luxury.
2. Dress for success! If you aren’t wearing a customized sailor cap, a sweater bedazzled in chains and anchors, gold thigh highs or a juanty nautical frock, then you are probably wearing something boring and should get changed immediately.
3. Beware of Juice Monks! These pesky creatures roam the lake in overwhelming numbers. Imagine ships of 10-20 Juice Monks trawling the waters, their minds focussed on one thing only: finding fine ass ladies. Of course, being a ship of Fine Ass Ladies, we were prime targets and being outnumbered by Juice Monk boats 20-1 (not exagerrating), we had to remain strong when our vessel was inevitably boarded by over-friendly neighbours.
4.0 Choose a captain worthy of piloting your ship. Captain Patrice did a stalwart job of manning the illustrious Munchbox, even with her own “baby on board”. With her keen eye for navigation and cool head even in the most critical moments (like docking at Neilson Beach without crashing), she ensured we had smooth sailing the entire weekend.
4.1 Hotel Munchkin is a stupid name for a boat, so if your boat is named Hotel Munchkin, feel free to change it to something better. Like Munchbox.
5. Binoculars ensure Juice Monks can be spotted well in advance of their inevitable attempt at boarding and also help in finding the best beaches to dock at for the night.
6. Floaties are an essential accessory. Also, breakfast Caesars.
8. Be prepared to embark on missions both dangerous and exhilarating. For example, if the boat parked next to you at the notorious Neilson Beach is adorned with custom made signs, and the best of these signs is hung on the empty second floor of said boat, why not liberate “Dancing Time” for your own? It took only bravura and a few minutes to sneak on board and escape with Dancing Time in tow. With his mysterious Phantom of the Opera mask and come-hither gaze, Dancing Time was well worth the danger of running into drunk Juice Monks or, even worse, JMs who had so many pot brownies they thought they were having a heart attack. Later, after we set him up on the back deck to watch us swim, Dancing Time repaid our adoration by jumping off the boat and escaping when our backs were turned. Typical JM!
9. Ride the slide! Or don’t, if you’re terrified of its alarming angle and velocity. Like me.
10. Make friends with your neighbours. But only if your neighbour is Lacey, a veteran stripper of 10 years, who is cruising the ‘Swap with a boat full of her stripper friends, who drinks red wine so that it dribbles between her spaciously augmented breasts and wears a self-proclaimed “do-rag”. Revel in the irony of hanging out with strippers at the “quiet beach” while at Neilson Beach all the Juice Monks party with each other.